Battle Train Review - Fear of Flying

An unsung guilty pleasure of mine is the secret stress test known as Train Valley. A jaunty little jog through the legacy of locomotives that quickly becomes the most intense experience you’ll have next to open heart surgery. Sometimes, however, a more direct approach is required, which is why Battle Train is here to dismantle all this complexity of train travel.

This is the latest release from Terrible Posture Games, a rather underseen developer in the grand scheme of things, with titles like Tower of Guns and MOTHERGUNSHIP under their belt. After a successful Kickstarter campaign to start things off, Battle Train sees Terrible Posture still scratching that roguelite itch, with help from co-developers Nerd Ninjas – who’ve helped Niantic out with their AR titles Peridot Beyond and Pokemon Go – and publishing help from none other than Bandai Namco.

You play as a contestant on the show viewed by “10 billion people” (the figures are real, trust), Battle Train, a Takeshi’s Castle-esque game show filled with explosions, a lively host, and a worthy final villain in the form of Supreme President Conductor Aalvado. Through the framing device of a fly-on-the-wall documentary detailing inner turmoil and office politics, you’ll slowly uncover a web of network shenanigans, celebrity ego, and image sacrificed for ratings… while also smashing trains into each other.

There’s a lot going on here, from the narrative which is implemented into story events you can run into on the world map, to the fusion of deck-building roguelite and board game. It’s easy to consider it blind ambition, or blind anything, since everything is on-the-spot; who your opponent is, what events you’ll run into, etc. There's not a lot of prediction in Battle Train, only the next stop, which may be your last.

Gameplay consists of you and your opponent taking turns on a board to build tracks into each other's outposts, so you can slam trains from your base into them for damage. There are energy deposits in the form of scattered minerals and mines placed on the map, so you have to balance between wanting your opponent to lose and generating an economy to realize that objective. 

Another rule is that both you and your opponent should be able to use the same tracks, should they both connect to your stations, something which is just as prosperous as it is dangerous. Place a few obstacle generation cards and alternative methods of damage, and you should have a charismatic mix of chess by way of Under Siege 2, right?

Almost, but not quite. Since it’s a deck builder, there’s still a lot in the way of the type of build you can, could, and should generate, as well as prospects in the form of upgrading your train. Extra minerals, extra gold, more health, etc. – it all takes further priority than what you want your deck to achieve. Regardless of which direction you take, there will be certain patches of dead air in battle where you and your opponent will simply end turns until you can accrue the cards you need.

Indeed, a lot of the train upgrades are where you’ll find your muscle in battle, leading to some exceptionally one-sided affairs of runs. That isn’t to say that Battle Train can’t generate some exciting and tense battles later down the line, once you unlock more cards, upgrades, and understanding of your fairly small but varied roster of opponents. As it stands, though, a fat handful of your victories will lie in whether or not you can summon a lucky enough upgrade in the initial stretch.

A disappointing prospect to consider, especially when fighting tooth and nail to survive, is where Battle Train absolutely shines. Find yourself down and out, one hit away from death, and turn meek retreat into a cartridge trap of sudden connections to your enemy outposts, as your railway starts connecting to theirs, and now there’s a long train comin’. It’s a rare sight, but when tactical fortitude is what wins you a run in Battle Train, you will not stop beaming for a while after the run.

Also, in a rather deflating decision, there’s no PvP element for you to face your friends… what gives? In its peaks, Battle Train absolutely taps into the same vein of silliness and teeth-clenching moments that something like Worms would provide, so it’s disappointing to see that, eventually, you will run into a brick wall in terms of what Battle Train can provide for you.

Part of me believes Terrible Posture are aware of this, which is why they put all their chips on providing a rather hefty narrative to go alongside the gameplay, a brave decision for a roguelite. You could ignore it entirely, but you’d be remiss of a rather delicate writing affair that’s trying to juggle childish endeavors with an almost adult flavor. It’s not some secret genius theory like, I dunno, “The Sinister Undertones of Bluey” or what-have-you, it’s more that Battle Train wants to convince you of its writing chops.

It certainly convinced me. Every time it got a bit too cynical or saccharine to deal with, it turned right back around into being absorbing, if not charismatic. This is thanks to some well-done characterization in the form of Aalvado, and the stupidly adorable Todrick the Turtle, as well as knowing when and where to let a joke lie. Even with a lacking cast, Battle Train grows a lot from a little, and it was worth it to play the game just to see the next cutscene, which feels weird to say, right?

Still, that’s my opinion, and not everyone wants the promise of smashing trains into buildings to be uprooted by 30 Rock meets The Crystal Maze. You can still go through Battle Train and completely ignore the story it presents, but it’s there to consider why, at times, the gameplay and its mechanical opportunities might feel blunt, or even stodgy. Is it still fun? Absolutely, but this isn’t chess we’re talking about here. Not even checkers… tiddlywinks, maybe.

Battle Train Review | Final Verdict

When it works, Battle Train is ingenious, sharp, and oddly alluring with the twists and turns it presents, and when it doesn’t work, you still have what is essentially an outrageously silly board game. It’s not got the depth to match your favorites, but it has the passion, the charm, and the wits to know it’s better to go for broke with a blunderbuss. I certainly know one thing, though.

This is a no-Todrick-slander zone from now on.

Battle Train was reviewed on PC using a copy provided by the publisher over the course of 15 hours of gameplay -- all screenshots were taken during the process of review.